Help! I'm Going To Be Sick

Quick! Somebody get me a bucket...I think that I'm going to be sick.

Well, why is that, you might ask? Excellent question.

As long as I can choke back my vomit and tears long enough, I'll be more than happy to tell you all of the reasons why my gag reflex is in overdrive. (St. Louis fans, feel free to commiserate with me.)

Here we go:

* I'm sick of being winless after six games. (OK, that was an easy one, but I'm just getting warmed up.)

* I'm sick of Joey Porter running his mouth.

Hey, J-Peezy, maybe it's not a good idea to guarantee a win if this team hasn't won a single game since early December. Oh, and to then go out and allow a third-string running back to shred you apart for 179 yards rushing? Awesome job backing up your mouth.

But, alas, the lesson was not learned, and you found it necessary to call out Kellen Winslow before last week's game. You claimed that your personal feud with him couldn't technically be called a battle since he'd never won anything. Well, I think it's safe to say that it's officially a battle now. He put you right in your place on Sunday.

Here, I'll make a deal with you. You can resume talking trash once you record a sack. That should be easy enough, right? After all, that's why you were handed that $32 million contract this offseason. Except getting a sack is something you haven't accomplished since Week 13 of last season. That's a whopping ten games without a sack. Maybe you could invest some of that money in a writer who can concentrate on penning your trash talk, while you concentrate on actually earning your salary.

* I'm sick of stupid penalties in the return game.

Ted Ginn Jr. had his first kickoff return for a touchdown nullified by the handiwork of Derek Hagan, on a penalty that had absolutely no influence on Ginn's ability to break free. Imagine how many doubters might have finally jumped off of Teddy's back had they looked at the stat sheet and saw a return TD. Now I have to put up with more of the same premature and misguided shouts of "Bust!" Lame.

* I'm sick of already resorting to looking at mock drafts for the 2008 NFL Draft.

Seriously, October is barely halfway through and I'm already pondering what fortunes April holds for my team. Can it get any worse than that? Miami isn't going to be good any time soon, so maybe I should simply forego the college scouting reports and go directly to the Pop Warner fields.

Hey, maybe Cody Paul is the answer to Miami's troubles.

* Speaking of the draft, I'm sick of the fact that bad teams are forced to fork over $30 million or more for a kid who has played exactly as many downs in the NFL as myself...And this is supposed to help make the bad teams better?

* I'm sick of watching the post-game interviews and seeing my favorite active player, Zach Thomas, almost reduced to tears by how awful this team is playing.

Guys like Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor deserve much better than what they are getting. Sadly, they aren't going to get it.

* I'm sick of the fact that the kicker may just be the best player on the team.

* I'm sick of the fact that an undrafted rookie (Courtney Bryan) is getting playing time in the secondary ahead of last year's sixteenth overall draft pick, Jason Allen.

* I'm sick of the fact that Ronnie Brown is blossoming on a team that is headed south. I'm also sick of the idea that by the time this team has turned things around, Ronnie's prime years will have been churned into the dirt, with little more to show for the hard work than a dissipating cloud of dust.

* I'm sick of Chris Collinsworth saying that Miami made a bad deal by trading Wes Welker.

Had Welker remained in Miami, he would still be little more than a 60 reception, 700 yard receiver with a lot of heart. He's exploding in New England because the Patriots are an organization that already has an established core of great players ahead of Welker.

* Speaking of the Patriots, I'm sick of Tom Brady's butt-chin.

* Moreover, I'm sick of the fact that after six games, Brady has thrown more TD passes than all of Miami's passers did last season.

* I'm sick of the fact that the last time Miami won a game was the last time the Patriots lost a regular season game. (December 10, 2006)

* But most of all, I'm simply sick of being sick.

Does anyone have some Pepto-Bismol?